Not just anybody can be Asian, you know. It takes far more than just ethnicity to be a child of the Far East. There are certain qualities that a person must have in order to attain true Asian-itude.

1.) You must be familiar with the intricacies of Dance Dance Revolution.

And I mean really familiar. When you’re on those blinking pads, I want your feet to be nothing but the yellow blur of straw sandals. That’s right! I said straw sandals. As an Asian, you must be able to perform any complex task wearing straw sandals with ease. Including samurai duels! And none of this playing DDR with the controller crap. That’s just lame.

2.) You must be profecient with at least three different martial arts but fool the world into thinking that you’re not.

A true Asian can kill anyone seven times over before the body hits the ground. But they must never use it unless it is absolutely necessary. I personally am very skilled in the arts of kenjutsu, hapkido and tae-bo.

Most people don’t think that tae-bo is a true martial art but trust me, when used properly it puts all other martial arts to shame. One time I saw a guy use tae-bo to rip out a man’s brain and show it to him. Then he neatly placed the brain back in the skull then ripped out the man’s heart and showed THAT to him. All of this before the victim lost consciousness. How is this possible?! That’s the magic of tae-bo.

Yes, every now and then you will see an Asian using martial arts. But he is not a true Asian. If a true Asian used any martial art and somebody saw him doing so, they would die due to sheer amazement. This is why we have to fool the world into thinking that most of us are not masters of death.

3.) Be good at math.

This is a given. But what most people don’t know is that a true Asian’s brain is more powerful than any supercomputer in the world. We just can’t use our brains to its full potential out of fear that the Asian owned computer industries will grow obsolete.

4.) Fly.

That’s right. We can fly… Jealous?