There are several things that annoy me. All things ranging from bees to that giant black hole in the center of the universe. But the one aspect of life that can really set me off is when strangers ask me for a cigarette. I am an avid smoker and pay good money to destroy my lungs and you should do the same. Not the destroying of the lungs but the paying to do so.

Do you know who else gives out free cigarettes? The Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea that’s who. At least they used to. In this capitalist society, one needs to work to obtain the goods that they need. Unlike a communist society where the government will provide for you. And despite popular opinion, I am no communist.

And don’t think that engaging me in small talk while you smoke my cigarette is going to make me feel any better. I already know what the weather is like. Like you, I also live in the lower stratosphere.

I’ve been lenient up until now but as soon as this issue comes out, I will strictly enforce a “My Cigarette” policy. When anybody I don’t know asks me for a cigarette, I will lie and say that this is my last one and there’s nothing you can do about it. Unless you reach into my pockets to see if it’s true or not. And trust me. Your hands don’t want to go anywhere near my pockets. I like to leave half-eaten sandwiches in my pockets to save for later and tend to wear the same pants for weeks at a time before washing them.

Besides, you shouldn’t even be smoking anyway.