Walking out of the Simi Valley Regal Theater after the midnight premiere of “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” was the scariest thing ever: I had no idea what to make fun of in my review because, “Eclipse” was a legit movie.
The third installment of the literature-to-film mega-giant that is the “Twilight” series by Stephanie Meyers, “Eclipse” continues the trials and tribulations of the very plain and very human Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and the development of her relationship with gorgeous immortal vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson).
A bit of action is thrown into the dramafest when an army of newborn vampires is created and trained to destroy Bella.
Director David Slade, who directed vampire horror thrill “30 Days of Night,” was the perfect man to expose the dangerous side of the Cullens, proving that not everything is sunshine, daisies and love flying out their asses like Meyers portrays them in the books.
Slade also gives moviegoers the true essence of vampirism through Victoria’s controlling romantic relationship with the newborn vampire Riley (a fantastically torn Xavier Samuel).
Something that many fans have been waiting for since the introduction of the Culllens is the back-stories of how they became vampires.
While only Rosalie (Nikki Reed) and Jasper’s (Jackson Rathbone) were covered, they were compelling stories. Rosalie stole the scene, saying she was a bit theatrical” in her past while the camera flips to her in avenging-vampire-Bridezilla mode.
While Rosalie stole her scene, Jasper’s Texan accent and military mannerisms stole the movie. The ladies melted into their chairs at the midnight movie premiere when the ex-military major would speak. It was also interesting to note, however, that the vampire also never lost his mannerisms through the centuries he lived. I’ll be honest, I think it makes him even sexier.
While the character backgrounds were an interesting study, the main storyline was severely lacking and didn’t really make any psychological sense other than to create more drama and revenue for Meyers’ world.
Werewolf Jacob Black (again portrayed by a deliciously half-naked Taylor Lautner) insists through the film that Bella loves him and in a state of panic (or drug induced mind haze- one never know what Kristen Stewart’s motivation is with her acting), she admits she loves both Edward and Jacob.
The back and forth “I love you “I don’t love you” and other hormonal relationship drama will give fans whiplash, but apparently it never gets old. The series is a bestseller after all.
For the friends or significant others that have been or will be again dragged to “Eclipse,” there is hope. A new drinking game has been created to get you through the film.
For the lightweights, every time a half-naked werewolf comes on the screen, take a shot. For those who really want to forget the experience, every time Edward or Bella declare their eternal love for each other or say they can’t live without each other, take a shot. You can be pretty liberal with this version of the game, so you’re guaranteed to forget the film.
With a new director and new feel for the film series, however, “Eclipse” is going in the right direction as far as book-to-film ventures are concerned. Hopefully by the time the two-part “Breaking Dawn” films premiere, the “Twilight Saga” will have redeemed itself, at least as much as tween porn can.
