A new movement is in the air, and it features impossibly pretty glitter vampires and shape shifting werewolves that are violently in love with a shallow teenage girl.
And nerds everywhere are grinding their teeth as they mentally repeat a single phrase:
THAT. SHOULD. NOT. BE.
Hello, this is another Geek Culture where I declare a jihad on Twilight and the latest movie, New Moon. If you’re a Twilight fan, grab a chair and a drink (preferably a stiff one). If you want to yell things at me over the internet, send us an email at [email protected].
Originally I was going to write a review of the new film to go along with Hannah Davey’s, but when I already had all the adjectives that I would use (shallow, vapid, pathetic, platypus-vampire) all laid out before seeing it, it made more sense to stay home and watch The Big Lebowski again. But I digress.
Twilight has taken our favorite spawn of Bram Stoker, the vampire, and turned them into literary teenage girl porn. I knew this. I had learned to live with this.
New Moon, however, features buff vaguely indian looking men who morph into wolves. These are what they are doing to werewolves now. That bothers me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for taking classic movie monsters and reinventing them. If we didn’t do that, vampires still wouldn’t be able to enter a building without permission or walk over running water, which would make it hard for them to really be scary.
But when you go against the whole point of the original creation all in the name of appealing to 20-year-old women and very creepy men, you pervert the message behind the monster.
Zombies represent a number of social issues, including commercialism and the civil rights movement. Danny Boyle took the original shambling zombie and made them sprinting, virally infected maniacs. This gave us one of the best zombie movies of all time, 28 Days Later.
New Moon took an embodiment of man’s fear of both nature and his own animalistic desires, the werewolf, and castrated it.
They are shirtless teenage men by day, and idioticly big wolves whenever they damn please. It’s almost like the original author wanted something like a werewolf but decided the whole transforming into a half man beast angle wasn’t sexy enough, so she farted out a gimped hybrid.
I imagine now I’ve lost the reader in my nerd temper tantrum.
Imagine if the next Twilight movie features zombies that have non decaying skin and fringe hair cuts. Also, when shot in the head they don’t die, but hello kitty stickers fly out of the wound along to the sounds of Death Cab for Cutie.
Yeah. Now you know how I feel.
