I know it’s a big surprise that a super hunk like me is a virgin. Quit your gasping!
If you actually met me, you really wouldn’t be that surprised. First of all, I’m not a super hunk in the slightest. Secondly, I have a Jedi Academy bumper sticker and my license plate frame reads, “My other car is the Millennium Falcon.”
Chances are I’ll remain a virgin for the rest of my life. In fact, I probably won’t even know the pleasures of a woman in this life or even the next. I plan on losing my virginity three lifetimes from now when I’m reincarnated as a tapeworm.
The fact is that I’m a bumbling fool when it comes to women. Not in that endearing Hugh Grant kind of way but in a way that is much, much creepier.
When I get nervous, I tend to speak whatever it is in my mind without giving it any second thought. I still remember a blind date my friends set me up with. The girl had huge nostrils and was probably a little self-conscious about them because when she was blabbing on about the rainforest or something, I shouted “Hey! I think I can see your brain up your nose!” Then she stormed out of the Denny’s. But it wasn’t all that bad. She left her half-eaten club sandwich.
All throughout middle and high school, all the girls I’ve ever had a crush on would describe me as their “big sister.” This annoyed the hell out of me, especially when they would get boyfriends of their own who were often the same guys dunking me into trashcans and throwing their empty milk cartons at me. The worst part is that they knew that their new boyfriends were jerks and would say that they “wanted to bring the Eric out” of whomever they were dating. But I’m ALL Eric!
My point is this: If you keep being the nice guy, you’ll be lonely for the rest of your life and have to settle for being someone’s second husband.
After realizing this, I tried being the jerk. But the meanest thing I could come up with is shoving the fat kid’s math book off his desk. And even then it wasn’t genuine. After shoving that math book, I would eagerly look around to see if anybody saw me being a jerk.
But my mom says I’m cool.
